12/5/09
It is Saturday and it has been a few days since I have posted. It's been a so-so week as far as the changes go. The exciting thing is that I have been enjoying my time on the treadmill more than I did before. I've gotten into seeing how much further I can go in the 45 minutes I'm on and though it is probably too early to tell, I could see getting into running and wanting to participate in races at some point.
I started out just wanting to walk for 45 minutes, but one of the first times I did it, I decided to jog for part of the time and then I just started jogging for a while, then walking for a while. I realized at some point that I was getting close to 3 miles so decided I would go until I reached that point, which took a minute or two more than the 45 minutes I had planned. So the next day, I tried to do enough jogging and increasing my walking speed as close to 4 mph so that I could reach the 3 mile mark at or before the 45 minutes were up. Once I did that, then I wanted to try to do a little more and then in subsequent days, a little more. Yesterday, I did a total of 3.37 miles in the 45 minutes. My goal is to hit the 4.5 mile mark some time soon.
I find that this is appealing to my desire to set and reach goals and I get the instant gratification of doing it immediately, same day. It also has the potential to open up fun on the analytical side as I can start to figure out what speed I need to maintain and for how long to reach specific goals. The last couple days, I've been thinking about how I would set up a simple spreadsheet that would allow me to put in some assumptions about the walking speed and jogging speed and what mixture I would need to have to reach certain distances. For example, I start out by walking at around 3.5 mpg until I get warmed up, then I bump it up to 3.8 or 3.9 before the first jog. After that, I try to maintain it at the 4.0 even mark and that keeps me on the 3 mile pace and then any jogging I do after that just adds to the 3 miles in 45 minutes. As it is, I'm looking at my distance in relation to time and not really paying attention to how long I'm jogging or walking at a particular speed. I've been thinking that I will want to start doing that; first because I want to use it to increase my fitness and start making those jogging intervals longer and longer. Second, it will help me to set and hit goals because I will know what I need to do in terms of speed and time to hit the goal distance.
The cool thing is that it makes the time on the treadmill go by so much quicker. It was incredibly boring just to walk for 45 minutes and the time just dragged most of the time. Listening to music helped, but only somewhat. But, and this is completely counter-intuitive for me, the more I switched from the speed readout to the time and distance readout, the faster the time went. Especially today where I was watching it really closely since I was trying to beat the previous day's 2.24 miles, the first 30 minutes really went by fast. I find that I'm actually looking forward to getting on their and that is definitely a first. I'm still doing more walking than jogging, but there isn't any reason to believe that as I get more fit, I can switch that around, and perhaps eventually stop walking altogether after the warm up. From there, it isn't too much of a leap to think about jogging, or even running a 5K or 10K. So that is what was good this week.
On the down side, my calorie intake was all over the board and I had three pretty bad days. The problem is all the eating out that I did this week. Every time that happens, I go well over my goal and I'm going to need to find some way to deal with that, especially this week as I'm traveling for work and it will all be eating out. I do think I'll buy some frozen lunches so at least I can have that going for me, but it will still be tough with that buffet breakfast every morning and then going out after work. I will also need to try and minimize alcoholic beverages since they are loaded with calories no matter how I go (beer or vodka and 7up). I still think I have a shot at good news when I get on the scale Monday, only because my pants have felt really loose the last couple days, and they haven't been feeling that way for some time. I think the 45 minutes is working out much better than the 20-30 I was doing before.
Holy crap, I just figured out what my calories were for the day and it was even worse than I thought. Over 3100 calories today and 2500 of them were during dinner or after. That isn't going to help much. I'm not going to be a nazi about eating under 1800 calories EVERY day, but I can't afford to have many days AT ALL like this one. This is what I'm trying to avoid. A little slip and going a little over 2000 is one thing, but over 3000? That just is not going to work for me. Not any more. The average for the week, and I didn't count them on one day which means that day was probably not good was 2158. Almost certainly better than I was doing before I started paying attention again, but not where I wanted to be. I've got to start saying 'no' to eating out, that is what is killing me right now. If I eat at home, I have good calorie intake, if I don't, then I am well over. It's that simple.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Week 2 begins a day late
11/30/09
8:30 AM
The good news first; I lost 4 pounds last week. Considering that I had three days of not eating on plan, and only managed to exercise 5 days, a pretty surprising result. So I weighed 232 pounds this morning. That is a total of 10 pounds less than when I started back in January. I should also always keep in mind that my all time high was probably somewhere 260 though I'm not sure exactly. The heaviest weight the doctor had on file for me was something like 263, but that would have been with clothes on and possibly even during the winter with boots. All that together could easily add up to 10 pounds. So we'll call it 252 just for round numbers and say that I'm 20 pounds less than my all time high.
The bad news is that yeterday I basically completely fell down. I didn't exercise because I didn't get up in time and then we had things to do. I started out with a healthy breakfast, but then we went Christmas shopping, I with Alia and Mindy with Camryn. We decided to meet at IHOP for lunch and I opted for the heart attack special of biscuits and gravy with two sausage patties, two eggs and hash browns. Probably a 1500 calorie feast. I thought I'd eat a light supper, maybe soup, but I ended up eating what everone else ate, which was a greasy fried chicken from the store and some steamed veg. That would have not been a particularly good day, but mentally, I wouldn't have completely let go. Except I did after putting Alia to bed when I went through 2/3 of a bag of club crackers topped off by a bowl of cereal. In other words, I just completely gave up. To top it off, I set my alarm to get up this morning for the treadmill, but then I ended up staying up late so reset it NOT to get up to run and so now have to try and get that done during the day or after bed time tonight. My record on that is not very good, I'm sorry to say. But I did have a healthy breakfast; I've been going on the philosphy that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so allowing myself a few more calories this time around than I did last spring. Pretty much every morning has been a cup of juice, a banana, oatmeal with 1/2 c milk and my coffee and half and half. The last couple mornings, I've been having the OJ and banana in the form of a slushie putting them into the blender with some crushed ice and a 1 tsp of half and half. I've always liked the orange/banana combo and it's very good. I think I'll try it without the half and half tomorrow and see if maybe I like it better without that little 'clingyness' you get with dairy.
10:05 PM
I did the treadmill today; the usual 45 minutes and 3.08 miles. I finished up with a sprint that felt good and really winded me. Since I didn't get enough sleep last night, I felt tired for most of the day, but after that, I had plenty of energy. I'm going to get right to bed so I'll feel like getting up at 6:00 tomorrow and start my day out with that energy instead of getting it mid-way through. It wasn't a great calorie day as we had pesto sauce over cheese tortellini and two pieces of bread with smart balance for dinner, but I didn't snack after dinner and still feel full now so mentally it was a pretty good day. I'm trying not to focus too much on the four pounds I lost the last week, but its hard because it feels good. The important thing to realize is that it was a one time thing that won't continue to happen weekly if I'm not more disciplined in my eating and exercising.
8:30 AM
The good news first; I lost 4 pounds last week. Considering that I had three days of not eating on plan, and only managed to exercise 5 days, a pretty surprising result. So I weighed 232 pounds this morning. That is a total of 10 pounds less than when I started back in January. I should also always keep in mind that my all time high was probably somewhere 260 though I'm not sure exactly. The heaviest weight the doctor had on file for me was something like 263, but that would have been with clothes on and possibly even during the winter with boots. All that together could easily add up to 10 pounds. So we'll call it 252 just for round numbers and say that I'm 20 pounds less than my all time high.
The bad news is that yeterday I basically completely fell down. I didn't exercise because I didn't get up in time and then we had things to do. I started out with a healthy breakfast, but then we went Christmas shopping, I with Alia and Mindy with Camryn. We decided to meet at IHOP for lunch and I opted for the heart attack special of biscuits and gravy with two sausage patties, two eggs and hash browns. Probably a 1500 calorie feast. I thought I'd eat a light supper, maybe soup, but I ended up eating what everone else ate, which was a greasy fried chicken from the store and some steamed veg. That would have not been a particularly good day, but mentally, I wouldn't have completely let go. Except I did after putting Alia to bed when I went through 2/3 of a bag of club crackers topped off by a bowl of cereal. In other words, I just completely gave up. To top it off, I set my alarm to get up this morning for the treadmill, but then I ended up staying up late so reset it NOT to get up to run and so now have to try and get that done during the day or after bed time tonight. My record on that is not very good, I'm sorry to say. But I did have a healthy breakfast; I've been going on the philosphy that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so allowing myself a few more calories this time around than I did last spring. Pretty much every morning has been a cup of juice, a banana, oatmeal with 1/2 c milk and my coffee and half and half. The last couple mornings, I've been having the OJ and banana in the form of a slushie putting them into the blender with some crushed ice and a 1 tsp of half and half. I've always liked the orange/banana combo and it's very good. I think I'll try it without the half and half tomorrow and see if maybe I like it better without that little 'clingyness' you get with dairy.
10:05 PM
I did the treadmill today; the usual 45 minutes and 3.08 miles. I finished up with a sprint that felt good and really winded me. Since I didn't get enough sleep last night, I felt tired for most of the day, but after that, I had plenty of energy. I'm going to get right to bed so I'll feel like getting up at 6:00 tomorrow and start my day out with that energy instead of getting it mid-way through. It wasn't a great calorie day as we had pesto sauce over cheese tortellini and two pieces of bread with smart balance for dinner, but I didn't snack after dinner and still feel full now so mentally it was a pretty good day. I'm trying not to focus too much on the four pounds I lost the last week, but its hard because it feels good. The important thing to realize is that it was a one time thing that won't continue to happen weekly if I'm not more disciplined in my eating and exercising.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Getting Through Thanksgiving Weekend
11/27/09
The day after Thanksgiving. It's been two days of not counting calories and I'm sure well over the daily budget of 1800 calories. But I did the treadmill both days for 45 minutes and 3+ miles. I showed a little restraint yesterday until it was time for desert and then had two pieces of pie with loads of whip cream. This morning we had the sausage egg casserole and buttermilk biscuits. I had 3-4 biscuits. A couple of vodka and diet 7's in the afternoon, and then for dinner a big burger, fries and two more pieces of pie and whip cream for desert. So tomorrow, its back to counting and a reasonable diet. I guess I failed the holiday test where food is concerned, but passed for exercise. Then again, it was a tough week to start something like this and I think I've come through it reasonably well. As always, what important is what comes next.
I've been thinking about my goals and motivation for this change in lifestyle. I more interested in measurements than in weight, but I'm not sure what my goal should be for waist size and that is the only one I would even have a clue what I am now or what I would like to be. Now I'm probably close to a 42 inch waist and somewhere between 40"-42". I'd like to be at a 34", but no more than 36". I want to be able to wear size large shirts comfortably.
I think the idea is that I don't have a specific weight as a goal, but I use weight to periodically measure my progress. I'll know if I'm balancing food and exercise close to what I should be. Also, regarding the goal of 98% of the days following the plan, maybe that isn't such a bad idea after all. Maybe I should allow myself the big holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and maybe Independence Day without worrying about watching what I eat, and all the rest are where I am mindful. In a year, that is 7 days of free for all and 358 of planned eating. As for the exercise, there isn't any reason that shouldn't be on every day except where I'm too sick to get out of bed. And those should be fewer when I'm treating my body better.
I'm a little sore and tired from the treadmill. It was probably harder today then the other two days, mostly because I'd had the huge breakfast first and that was definitely a challenge. It was harder to breath in part because of that, I think, though I was also keeping up a faster pace than I had before. This afternoon, after doing a little with Christmas decorations, I was just beat and sat down with Cammy to watch some Sponge Bob and took a cat nap or two in the chair with her sitting in my lap. It was nice time together.
I'm not particularly looking forward to the weigh in Monday morning, but I'm not stressing about it either. If I didn't gain any weight during the Thanksgiving week, then that is a victory. And if I did, I still know that it is less than it would have been had I maintained the path I was on of eating badly and not exercising.
The day after Thanksgiving. It's been two days of not counting calories and I'm sure well over the daily budget of 1800 calories. But I did the treadmill both days for 45 minutes and 3+ miles. I showed a little restraint yesterday until it was time for desert and then had two pieces of pie with loads of whip cream. This morning we had the sausage egg casserole and buttermilk biscuits. I had 3-4 biscuits. A couple of vodka and diet 7's in the afternoon, and then for dinner a big burger, fries and two more pieces of pie and whip cream for desert. So tomorrow, its back to counting and a reasonable diet. I guess I failed the holiday test where food is concerned, but passed for exercise. Then again, it was a tough week to start something like this and I think I've come through it reasonably well. As always, what important is what comes next.
I've been thinking about my goals and motivation for this change in lifestyle. I more interested in measurements than in weight, but I'm not sure what my goal should be for waist size and that is the only one I would even have a clue what I am now or what I would like to be. Now I'm probably close to a 42 inch waist and somewhere between 40"-42". I'd like to be at a 34", but no more than 36". I want to be able to wear size large shirts comfortably.
I think the idea is that I don't have a specific weight as a goal, but I use weight to periodically measure my progress. I'll know if I'm balancing food and exercise close to what I should be. Also, regarding the goal of 98% of the days following the plan, maybe that isn't such a bad idea after all. Maybe I should allow myself the big holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and maybe Independence Day without worrying about watching what I eat, and all the rest are where I am mindful. In a year, that is 7 days of free for all and 358 of planned eating. As for the exercise, there isn't any reason that shouldn't be on every day except where I'm too sick to get out of bed. And those should be fewer when I'm treating my body better.
I'm a little sore and tired from the treadmill. It was probably harder today then the other two days, mostly because I'd had the huge breakfast first and that was definitely a challenge. It was harder to breath in part because of that, I think, though I was also keeping up a faster pace than I had before. This afternoon, after doing a little with Christmas decorations, I was just beat and sat down with Cammy to watch some Sponge Bob and took a cat nap or two in the chair with her sitting in my lap. It was nice time together.
I'm not particularly looking forward to the weigh in Monday morning, but I'm not stressing about it either. If I didn't gain any weight during the Thanksgiving week, then that is a victory. And if I did, I still know that it is less than it would have been had I maintained the path I was on of eating badly and not exercising.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Day 1-A. And, Do we know Where we are Going yet?
11/23/09
Got up at 6am this morning and did 45 minutes on the treadmill. Just over 3 miles so averaged 4 MPH though it was actually a mixture of mostly in the 3.5-3.9 range with occasional bursts in the 5-6 range. I weighed exactly 236 pounds. That's 6 pounds less than when I first started back in January and 18.2 pounds more than the all time low I recorded on 4/9 of 217.8. Kind of a drag to have lost all that progress, but meaningless when I think of this as a new lifestyle. The weight isn't the important thing, it's how I feel and there really is no point in dwelling on how I felt the last few months. What is important is how I feel today and how I will feel the rest of my life. Mentally I felt better today than I have in a while, knowing that I exercised and ate well today. I only had 1160 calories which is much lower than the <1800 I am tentatively planning. I feel a little hungry and have since not long after I ate, but I did feel full after dinner and I think what I'm feeling now, rather than hunger is the difference between stuffed to the gills and a normal, healthy fullness. I'd like to be able to go on a <1200 intake, but I'm not sure that is realistic. In fact, I'm pretty sure it isn't, but we'll see. Maybe I can think about a <1500 goal. Speaking of goals, I didn't given much thought today about what my goal will be with this lifestyle. Some thoughts include clothes size (seems vain) running a 5K, 10K or marathon; or some other type of endurance test/competition (maybe, but I don't love running) exercising and maintaining the caloric intake for a specific period The last one is intriguing and seems to match up best with the idea of making this a permanent change. Could I maintain those two things for a year, or even six months, EVERY day? Or do I say for 98% of the time? In six months, a 98% success rate is missing on only 4 days. But if I'm doing this for ever, why not 100% of the time? What about sick days for missing exercise? Does it mean NEVER exceeding the caloric goal? Or does it mean just eating sensibly, even if the food I'm choosing is higher calorie, like holidays? Or does it mean on a weekly basis, allowing me to completely blow a day but make it up in the other days of the week? Is that cheating; if not from a calorie standpoint, then at least philosophically? The endurance test is also interesting in that it is a specific event which would give me that sense of accomplishment. But what comes after? Another, similar event, or just another let down? Will I turn that into, "OK, I did it, now I can relax a little bit."? Clothes size seems the most like a weight goal which for whatever reason doesn't feel right. Feels like I'm doing it for the wrong reason though I can't quite put my finger on why it seems; why they both seem wrong. It just feels shallow somehow and like it isn't the right motivation. I guess because I don't really care what I weigh, or what size my pants are, ultimately. I want to feel better and be healthier. A reduction in weight will happen if I'm living healthier, but it is a byproduct, a symptom and not good in and of itself. For example, I could weigh 190 pounds and still be not healthy, say if I went on a crash diet that wasn't sustainable, or had cancer and couldn't eat. Or if I lost a leg. Ok, a little ridiculous, but the point is that there are lots of ways to hit that goal that don't accomplish the real goal, which is a healthy lifestyle. So I'm back to how do I measure living a healthy lifestyle? Maybe taking a step back and thinking about goals in a general sense will help. So, of course, I fall back on what I know about goals from work. Make them SMART. Specific-clear and unambiguous
Measurable-the one I'm having trouble with at this point
Attainable-that was the question about meeting my daily exercise and calorie goal for 180 days straight. Is that attainable? theoretically, but is it realistic?
Relevant-this is 'realistic' in some versions of the SMART goal, but it always seemed like a synonym for Attainable so I found a source that had something different. Relevant seems like a good one-does the goal even make sense? This is where weight and pants size seem to lose out. They don't seem relevant.
Time Driven-an end date; again carries concerns with it about what happens after, or as the time approaches? Do I get scared as it approaches, either because I'm afraid I won't hit it, or that I will and then be lost. But it seems the key to that is to have short, medium and long term goals and then to understand that medium and long term goals may well change as long as it is for the right reasons; and of course, you can always add more, bigger goals.
Another goal I just thought of in the exercise realm is to log a specific number of miles in a certain amount of time. Say 21 miles/week; or a 100/month? I like the sounds of that; it's a longer term goal which relies on the output of daily exercise. Its scalable so I can have a daily minimum to ensure daily engagement, but have weekly, monthly, quarterly, annual and even multi year goals. This along with caloric intake goals under the same time frames has a good feel to it. It allows me freedom to have some outright misses and some not quites on a daily basis while still leaving open the ability to make the longer term goals. These types of goals, along with some basic philosophies about how to act in the world-no gratuitous overeating, no eating when I am full or even not hungry. limiting the amount of food that has no healthy food value.
Which brings up coffee. I keep thinking that it is something I should give up. there are no calories associated with it, but nothing particularly healthful about it either. If it weren't for the half and half, I probably wouldn't think ill of it, but I don't love black coffee and if it came to that, I'd probably go with tea. I'm not giving it up yet, but if the idea is to just put healthy things in my body, where does that leave coffee? Are there any good effects that I can use to keep it around? I would miss you, oh coffee; you're the only one I want to talk to first thing in the morning.
Got up at 6am this morning and did 45 minutes on the treadmill. Just over 3 miles so averaged 4 MPH though it was actually a mixture of mostly in the 3.5-3.9 range with occasional bursts in the 5-6 range. I weighed exactly 236 pounds. That's 6 pounds less than when I first started back in January and 18.2 pounds more than the all time low I recorded on 4/9 of 217.8. Kind of a drag to have lost all that progress, but meaningless when I think of this as a new lifestyle. The weight isn't the important thing, it's how I feel and there really is no point in dwelling on how I felt the last few months. What is important is how I feel today and how I will feel the rest of my life. Mentally I felt better today than I have in a while, knowing that I exercised and ate well today. I only had 1160 calories which is much lower than the <1800 I am tentatively planning. I feel a little hungry and have since not long after I ate, but I did feel full after dinner and I think what I'm feeling now, rather than hunger is the difference between stuffed to the gills and a normal, healthy fullness. I'd like to be able to go on a <1200 intake, but I'm not sure that is realistic. In fact, I'm pretty sure it isn't, but we'll see. Maybe I can think about a <1500 goal. Speaking of goals, I didn't given much thought today about what my goal will be with this lifestyle. Some thoughts include clothes size (seems vain) running a 5K, 10K or marathon; or some other type of endurance test/competition (maybe, but I don't love running) exercising and maintaining the caloric intake for a specific period The last one is intriguing and seems to match up best with the idea of making this a permanent change. Could I maintain those two things for a year, or even six months, EVERY day? Or do I say for 98% of the time? In six months, a 98% success rate is missing on only 4 days. But if I'm doing this for ever, why not 100% of the time? What about sick days for missing exercise? Does it mean NEVER exceeding the caloric goal? Or does it mean just eating sensibly, even if the food I'm choosing is higher calorie, like holidays? Or does it mean on a weekly basis, allowing me to completely blow a day but make it up in the other days of the week? Is that cheating; if not from a calorie standpoint, then at least philosophically? The endurance test is also interesting in that it is a specific event which would give me that sense of accomplishment. But what comes after? Another, similar event, or just another let down? Will I turn that into, "OK, I did it, now I can relax a little bit."? Clothes size seems the most like a weight goal which for whatever reason doesn't feel right. Feels like I'm doing it for the wrong reason though I can't quite put my finger on why it seems; why they both seem wrong. It just feels shallow somehow and like it isn't the right motivation. I guess because I don't really care what I weigh, or what size my pants are, ultimately. I want to feel better and be healthier. A reduction in weight will happen if I'm living healthier, but it is a byproduct, a symptom and not good in and of itself. For example, I could weigh 190 pounds and still be not healthy, say if I went on a crash diet that wasn't sustainable, or had cancer and couldn't eat. Or if I lost a leg. Ok, a little ridiculous, but the point is that there are lots of ways to hit that goal that don't accomplish the real goal, which is a healthy lifestyle. So I'm back to how do I measure living a healthy lifestyle? Maybe taking a step back and thinking about goals in a general sense will help. So, of course, I fall back on what I know about goals from work. Make them SMART. Specific-clear and unambiguous
Measurable-the one I'm having trouble with at this point
Attainable-that was the question about meeting my daily exercise and calorie goal for 180 days straight. Is that attainable? theoretically, but is it realistic?
Relevant-this is 'realistic' in some versions of the SMART goal, but it always seemed like a synonym for Attainable so I found a source that had something different. Relevant seems like a good one-does the goal even make sense? This is where weight and pants size seem to lose out. They don't seem relevant.
Time Driven-an end date; again carries concerns with it about what happens after, or as the time approaches? Do I get scared as it approaches, either because I'm afraid I won't hit it, or that I will and then be lost. But it seems the key to that is to have short, medium and long term goals and then to understand that medium and long term goals may well change as long as it is for the right reasons; and of course, you can always add more, bigger goals.
Another goal I just thought of in the exercise realm is to log a specific number of miles in a certain amount of time. Say 21 miles/week; or a 100/month? I like the sounds of that; it's a longer term goal which relies on the output of daily exercise. Its scalable so I can have a daily minimum to ensure daily engagement, but have weekly, monthly, quarterly, annual and even multi year goals. This along with caloric intake goals under the same time frames has a good feel to it. It allows me freedom to have some outright misses and some not quites on a daily basis while still leaving open the ability to make the longer term goals. These types of goals, along with some basic philosophies about how to act in the world-no gratuitous overeating, no eating when I am full or even not hungry. limiting the amount of food that has no healthy food value.
Which brings up coffee. I keep thinking that it is something I should give up. there are no calories associated with it, but nothing particularly healthful about it either. If it weren't for the half and half, I probably wouldn't think ill of it, but I don't love black coffee and if it came to that, I'd probably go with tea. I'm not giving it up yet, but if the idea is to just put healthy things in my body, where does that leave coffee? Are there any good effects that I can use to keep it around? I would miss you, oh coffee; you're the only one I want to talk to first thing in the morning.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
What I need now is a good heart attack
11/22/09
It has been months since I last posted and about as long since I have taken my health seriously. But I'll start with the good. During my last doctor appointment, which was sometime this late summer/fall (August or September, I think), the doctor said that due to the amount of weight I had lost, and more importantly, my A1C result, I no longer needed to take my blood sugar at all and he would not need to see me for another year. I don't remember exactly what the reading was, but I think 5.4 or so and I think it has to be over 6.0 to be considered in the diabetic range.
Unfortunately, that positive news seemed to be all I needed to completely abandon any semblence of healthy eating and resume my previous habits of eating whatever I wanted without regard to how I felt or how it made me feel afterward. I resumed eating until I felt miserably full, snacking late into the night and consuming all the sweets I could. Even as I felt my pants getting tighter and tighter, I continued on this course, knowing that I was headed back to the same weight at which I had started, and probably surpassing even that to try and get back to the all time high something close to 260 pounds. I had reached a low, I think, of 218 pounds at some point and I felt it all coming back on. Yet, as bad as it made me feel, I seemed powerless to stop it. I seemed to be waiting, for what, I'm not sure. Some times I think I was waiting for the inevitable heart attack that must surely come and which would, finally, be the thing that would cause the miraculous turn around in my attitude that seemed to be necessary. Instead, I just felt worse every day. Full all the time, constipated, mad at myself, knowing that I had failed yet again. And I keep going. For a while after I stopped the blog, stopped weighing myself and stopped tracking what I ate, I at least pretended to still care. I didn't snack like I used to, at least all the time. I wasn't eating like a crazy man until I was stuffed. I put some limits on being out of control. But as the weeks past and I got through the doctor's appointment, bolded it seems by the good news, all control was gone. I THOUGHT about what I was doing, and then did it anyway, time and time again. In October, I traveled for business and so had to pull out some clothes that I don't typically wear, slacks instead of the usual jeans. These were pants I had bought in the late spring or early summer when things were at their best. But one pair was slightly loose even then and the others had a stetch waist. It wasn't a struggle to get them on, but as they day wore on, they felt tighter and tighter. By the end of the day, I could barely get in the hotel room before taking them off and it was like being freed from some menial torture. That was confirmation of what I already knew from the occasional weigh in over the past few months; it was all coming back. Then as November came on, the belt I had bought when the old one got too big started to feel tight, even on the last hole. But I knew I still had the old belt and I continued my same behaviors.
This morning, I weighed myself for the first time in weeks. Over 236 pounds. I started last January at 242 pounds and had gotten down to 218. 25 pounds lost and 18 of them are back, all within a year. Almost all the effort put in from January to May lost. I'm scared that I may never be able to truly change my lifestyle and live a healthy life.
I remember feeling better just a few short months ago. That I felt better phyisically I assume, but truthfully that seems fairly minor and I can't even really say it for sure. But mentally and emotionally? That I remember. I felt like I was doing something good, that I was more in control of my life and that I was good. Not lately. Lately I have felt like a failure and that last spring was just a fluke, a fad and I will never be able to sustain it. I will always be fat and out of shape, winded by a run up the stairs. I was proud of myself and I hadn't been that in a very long time, and now it is fading away just as quickly as it came.
So I've got a new plan and I fear that it is destined to fail again, but what else can I do? I'm trying to come up with something that is more sustainable, that will weather the upcoming holidays and their focus on eating lots of unhealthy food. I understand that diets don't work and that I somehow need to change ME, change what I want and the choices I make every day, every hour. But I'm not sure it is possible. The last few months I've been thinking that maybe I'll just always be fat, will never 'do what I need to do', but instead, indulge what I want to do as soon as I want to do it. Ignore the little voice that tells me what I'm doing is wrong, that it hurts me and barely feels good even while I'm doing it.
But fortunately, (or unfortunately-because I haven't hit that 'bottom' that I seem to think I need) there is some small part of me that doesn't quite believe it. Some part that thinks I do have what it takes to make the change, to live the life I've always wanted and to finally, let go of feeling bad and start to feel good again. Its work, every day and every meal and every hour and sometimes every minute. It's decisions every day that seem little or that I try to make seem little, but each one of them is really a big decision trying to hide out. Its a battle between the little voices; the one that says that 'it doesn't matter' and the one that says it does matter, it matters alot and those little battles add up for either the good side or the bad. For a while, the good side was winning more of those little battles than it was losing, and so direction of the war had changed for a time. But lately, there have been few if any victories for that little voice and the direction had very clearly changed back to the direction it had been going for many years. Now that little course change seems more like a little bump in the road.
I had been shooting for a goal, and was on a timeline and I think that both of those things can be useful tools in a weight loss and healthy lifestyle plan. And I knew, at some level that while I had those goals in mind, I would never really 'win'. I would always have to keep exercising, keep eating right or I would slide back to where I started and probably worse. But somehow, it still seems like I was thinking of the whole thing as something I had to do to get to a certain point, that though I knew it wasn't true, somehow I could still win. I don't know if that went in to my failure this summer or whether that is just my mind trying to find a reason, or whether maybe I never will be able to sustain the healthy lifestyle I crave. But somehow, I have got to understand that I am trying to make a permanent change. That stopping, even for a day is surrender to the bad voice. Taking a day off for a holiday is the same as taking the months off that I have since June. I need to understand that if I really make this my lifestyle, I won't WANT to take off even a day, because that means I'm doing something that I really don't want and I will never be able to sustain that. Maybe through will power and goals and whatever else, I could sustain it for even more than the four months I did this year, but I wouldn't be able to sustain it for ever. I'm either choosing to make this my new life, or I'm just playing at something I think I should do to please something outside of me.
Yet, the nature of my personality is that I need to have a plan. Even if the plan is flawed, I KNOW I have no hope without having a plan. And what I was doing WAS working as long as I did it. So here it is.
- Weigh in 1/week. The ups and downs of a daily weigh in were hurtful sometimes. It was depressing to be working hard and for it not to show some days, or for it to go down one day and up the next. By doing it only once/week, I should see at least some loss each time I weigh in, and I think it will be frequently enough that I will anticipate it and look forward to it to help maintain my drive.
- Track calories for everything I eat. I need to understand what I'm eating and how many calories at a detailed level. This helps me to stay on track, to have the occasional indulgence and make up for it in another meal.
- Exercise Daily, starting with walking/jogging and adding strenght training soon. It has to be every day, no skipping.
- Writing at least 3 times/week. I need to be really thinking about the change I want to make, talking to myself about how I feel, what I'm doing and the progress I make and challenges I'm having. Writing forces me to really think about it and not avoid the difficult thoughts.
- Have a goal. This is the one I'm most scared of right now. I feel somehow that there may be danger in this because it seems so short term and that once I reach the goal, I may think I can stop. Or that if I get close, I can relax. Yet everything I have been taught is that you can't get anywhere without setting a goal. Perhaps the goal should not be weight, but something else? Is it something like running a marathon, or having exercised every day for a year? I'm not sure. So for now, I will think about what the goal should be. The more I think about it, the more I beleive that the goal should not be a weight. That isn't what I really want, what I want is to live a healthier lifestyle, but how do you set a goal around that?
This is something I need to think about and work out in the next few days.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Land of the Lost
It’s 5/18 and as I pull up my weight and calorie trackers, it’s been 20 days since the last time they were opened. It’s been 39 days since my low weight and I have added almost 4 ½ pounds back since then. It no longer matters what was going on at the time, whether I was at mom and dad’s for Easter, traveling for business or what. The only relevant fact is that I made a conscious decision to stop caring. I made the decision not to exercise and I made the even worse decision to eat pretty much what I wanted whenever I wanted and to continue to eat after I was full and right before bed time. I completely gave up on living a healthy lifestyle in favor of indulging whatever it is that gets pleasure out of that kind of behavior. And the fact is I really don’t know what it is. I don’t feel good after doing it. I don’t like that feeling of being so full I’m uncomfortable. What I guess I do like is that feeling when it is going in my mouth. To taste that sweet, fatty, greasy food coming into my mouth, chewing it and that feeling right before it hits my stomach. I guess I also like the anticipation of getting to eat all that food, as much as I want and all the flavors I want.
Ok, so that is enough of beating on myself. The only relevant question now is, what next? I’m heading into another week of business travel. I know the hotel I am staying at has a treadmill and nothing else. I know I am going to be working late hours and it will be difficult to eat a healthy diet. So what am I going to do about it? Or do I even care?
Yes, I care. Yes, I want to lose weight, but I’m also figuring out that I feel better on a daily, even hourly basis when I am eating right and exercising. I’ll even admit that most of that is ego driven, just being able to think about what I’m doing, making the right decisions makes me feel better, completely outside of the physical benefits of a healthier lifestyle. But there are also physical benefits. Biggest of all is just not feeling full. Not being miserably full so that all I want to do is lay down and take a nap. And that’s the thing about beer too. I can’t really have more than 1 without feeling full and being ready for a nap. Especially during the day. Not to mention the 150-200 calories each one adds to the meal.
Monday, April 27, 2009
IT’S SO EASY
It has been 18 days since I last counted my calories or worked out. That was 4/9, the day before we went to mom and dad’s for Easter. I knew it would be a tough weekend, but I turned it into something much worse than that. We left on a Friday, and though I had planned to get up and work out that day, I don’t think I did. I don’t remember for sure, but am about 95% sure I didn’t. I find that when I try to think about it, my memory gets hazy, like I’m trying to think through fog. Anyway, I went out that night and drank a lot of beer and ate bad food (cheese balls, hamburger and pizza at midnight). I tried to do better the next day but then we went to monicles for dinner and I ate way too much pizza. The next day was Eastern dinner and I took moderate portions to begin with (only 1 roll) but then kept going back and ended up eating 3 rolls, more ham and two deserts. The next day on the way home, we stopped and ate pork tenderloins and I had some really bad jalapeno poppers. Then more crap at home. The next day, it was off to La Crosse for three nights where I didn’t work out there either and ate pretty much whatever I wanted and drank a couple beers each night. Back home for daddy/daughter breakfast and from there I was on a mission to gain all the weight back. I started indulging those cravings for bad food, we ate out a lot and I came home and had snacks right before bed time. I still did good for breakfast and lunch, but from there, it was anything goes. Once, I even bought two candy bars and ate them on the way home from Benders to get milk. That confirmed that I was really in trouble, but I still didn’t do anything about it. And to make it easier on myself, I didn’t keep track of my calories the entire time.
I was starting to give up. I didn’t get near the scale and knew that it was going to say I had gained some back, how much I didn’t want to know. More important than that was how I was feeling about myself and the progress I had made. I was giving it all back, giving it away to the fat person who didn’t care, who only thought about those moments of putting food in my mouth and how yummy it was. I knew it was bad, knew it was the wrong thing to do, but I just didn’t stop it. Until now. It’s 7:04 and I did my bootcamp work out this morning after getting up 1 hour ago. It was hard and there were moments when I wanted to stop, but most of the time, I knew I was doing good again, that I was doing the right thing now. Next, it will be getting back on the wagon on food and eating the way I should again.
Net loss, or gain in this situation, is 1.63 pounds. Not bad considering all I’ve done to wreck my progress in the last 18 days. I’m lucky that I was able to stop it after only that much back sliding and I’ve learned a lesson. You can’t take a day off. You can’t stop counting the calories no matter what. You can’t stop weighing no matter what. You can’t stop exercising no matter what. It is SO EASY for one day to turn into 2 and 2 days into a week and a week into two weeks, or 18 days. It would be SO EASY to fall back into the same routine as before, eating not just whatever I want, but continuing to eat, even when I don’t want to anymore. Trying to make myself feel better with food when what I know it is doing is making me feel worse. Not just worse over the long haul, but worse right that moment, as soon as I swollow whatever sweet things was in my mouth. And for that bad feeling to hang on until the next day, where I try again to feel better by eating something else that I know I shouldn’t. It is almost like a sickness, a mental breakdown that keeps doing the same bad thing expecting it to be good, but knowing even as I’m doing it that it won’t and that it makes things worse, a little worse each time.
I was starting to give up. I didn’t get near the scale and knew that it was going to say I had gained some back, how much I didn’t want to know. More important than that was how I was feeling about myself and the progress I had made. I was giving it all back, giving it away to the fat person who didn’t care, who only thought about those moments of putting food in my mouth and how yummy it was. I knew it was bad, knew it was the wrong thing to do, but I just didn’t stop it. Until now. It’s 7:04 and I did my bootcamp work out this morning after getting up 1 hour ago. It was hard and there were moments when I wanted to stop, but most of the time, I knew I was doing good again, that I was doing the right thing now. Next, it will be getting back on the wagon on food and eating the way I should again.
Net loss, or gain in this situation, is 1.63 pounds. Not bad considering all I’ve done to wreck my progress in the last 18 days. I’m lucky that I was able to stop it after only that much back sliding and I’ve learned a lesson. You can’t take a day off. You can’t stop counting the calories no matter what. You can’t stop weighing no matter what. You can’t stop exercising no matter what. It is SO EASY for one day to turn into 2 and 2 days into a week and a week into two weeks, or 18 days. It would be SO EASY to fall back into the same routine as before, eating not just whatever I want, but continuing to eat, even when I don’t want to anymore. Trying to make myself feel better with food when what I know it is doing is making me feel worse. Not just worse over the long haul, but worse right that moment, as soon as I swollow whatever sweet things was in my mouth. And for that bad feeling to hang on until the next day, where I try again to feel better by eating something else that I know I shouldn’t. It is almost like a sickness, a mental breakdown that keeps doing the same bad thing expecting it to be good, but knowing even as I’m doing it that it won’t and that it makes things worse, a little worse each time.
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